Co-Dependency Issues - Learning How to "Let Go"
by Melanie Evans

(excerpt from the book Breaking The Chains Of Painful Love)

The Only Person You Can Control Is You

We have one responsibility only, which is simply to sort out our own lives and stop trying to coerce, plead, bully or manipulate other people and situations to change in order to make our lives happier. Trying to control another person or life simply cannot work. Love, success and happiness are states that only we can create for ourselves.  Our Manifest Your Desires Life Mastery Course can show you how.

Every time we try to establish these states from the outside in – we hand our power over and become power-less to create our own lives.

True love, success and happiness can only be created by 'being' these states ourselves.

The Plague Of Mankind: Co-Dependency

The human disease of ‘co-dependency’ is widespread. It's estimated that the greater majority of individuals have experienced an emotionally dysfunctional childhood. It’s suggested that any child who grew up in a dysfunctional family has developed the disease of co-dependency.

What is co-dependency? Co-dependency is a dis-ease of being outer-focused rather than being able to healthily detach from people and situations to focus on and take care of Self. Co-dependency is an unhealthy dependency on outer circumstances.

Please Help Me Be Safe

Rather than take responsibility for their own lives, co-dependents try to control events and people through granting compassion, advice giving, lecturing, helplessness, emotional blackmail, manipulation, guilt or anger.

Co-dependents feel empty on the inside and try to fill this emptiness with things’ outside of themselves. They are personally dis-empowered in this state.

In most cases co-dependents are trying to re-write the scripts of their painful childhoods, and will re-attract the same pain over and over. Co-dependents often try to make safe and trustworthy environments with unsafe and untrustworthy individuals and circumstances.

By trying to control aspects outside of themselves – co-dependents end up being controlled by life and other people. Co-dependents forfeit their right to create their own lives.

It’s very important to realize that when we’re trying to change our outer life and are not congruently honouring ourselves, we are acting co-dependently. When we’re trying to fix life and other people we’re in a position where this can hurt us. If we continue to stand there whilst complaining, blaming or attempting to control the situation or person, we will keep getting hurt.

I’m Nothing Without You

In advanced stages of the disease, all our feelings (the greater majority will be obsession and pain) will depend on someone or something else. We’ll have lost ourselves to a level where we can’t identify or respond to what we require for our safety and well-being. We forfeit our rights to identify and maintain healthy boundaries. Our ability to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves with respect desperately diminishes.

Exercise: Do You Need To Learn ‘Letting Go?’

It can be a very frightening yet enlightening exercise to identify yourself as a ‘fixer.’

Ask yourself - do you:

1. Spend a great deal of time obsessing about other people’s problems?
2. Feel responsible for another person if they come to you with a problem?
3. Feel bad when you can’t help another person with a problem?
4. Feel guilty saying, “No?”
5. Believe other people are responsible for the way you feel?
6. Find it difficult to feel happy on your own?
7. Check up on people or try to catch them out doing the wrong thing?
8. Forego your own interests because you’re worried about what someone else is or isn’t doing?
9. Take other’s issues or opinions personally?
10. Feel uncomfortable when being offered praise or compliments?
11. Tend to be very hard on yourself?
12. Struggle to nurture yourself with treats?
13. Have fear in regard to letting other people make their own choices?
14. Tend to seek love with dysfunctional partners?
15. Try to prove yourself to people so they’ll love you?
16. Feel like you are worthless without a partner?
17. Lose faith that God and the Universe will grant you happiness?
18. Often feel scared, alone, hurt and angry?
19. Gauge your feelings of happiness on how other people around you are feeling?
20. Feel abandoned when your partner derives enjoyment from activities or people that don’t involve you?
21. Say what you think other people will be comfortable hearing?
22. Have difficulty in getting to the point when you need to speak up?
23. Stay fiercely attached to people and situations even when you know you’re being damaged?

Results

18 or over
If you have said ‘Yes’ to this many of the questions you are severely co-dependent. There is a dire need for you to learn how to focus and take care of self. It is highly likely that you are often at the mercy at the life and other people and may often lose yourself. You have great difficulty in setting boundaries and sustaining your personal energy and self. Self-empowerment and self-awareness is highly suggested.

14-17
You have co-dependency issues. You may have problems setting boundaries and will often ignore your rights and feelings in favour of trying to keep other people happy. You will benefit from learning how to listen to and respond to yourself. There is a need for you to stand up and align more with your goals, desires and rights.

9-13
Even though you do have self-awareness you still may have trouble setting boundaries and defining your goals. There is a need for you to risk ‘rocking the boat’ and learning to be more comfortable with your own company and beliefs. It would be helpful for you to examine and work on the areas in your life where you may be handing your power over.

3-8
You have the ability to be quite self-aware and look after yourself. However, there is still room for improvement!

0-2
You are a powerful person who knows how to set boundaries and honour yourself. Keep up the great work!

It’s Got to Come from Within

Our society has it backwards. We’ve been taught that our happiness depends on how we perceive life outside of ourselves. This is insanity because in reality we have no control over anything that isn’t us. This attitude to life has always kept us in pain. The truth of the matter is - we can choose to be happy and self-fulfilled regardless of what is happening on the outside. Then we can stop being clingy and needy and creating self-sabotage. We can finally make healthy decisions that honour us and attract and maintain real love, safety and happiness.

If you know you have co-dependency issues you need to make your recovery a mission. This requires healing your fears of feeling out of control. This means being willing to be responsible for your own emotions without focusing on anyone or anything outside of you to escape yourself. This is the only way you can be free. No-one else is going to provide you with the guarantee of happiness and safety. This job is yours alone, and until you step up to the plate other people, situations and life will inevitably hurt you.

Reflections

• Co-dependency is widespread, and a serious human dis-ease. Virtually everyone has  ‘controlling’ issues.
  
  
• If you are overly affected by circumstances outside of yourself you are co-dependent.
  
  
• If you try to control outer circumstances you will end up being controlled.
  
  
• You have no power or right to change another person or situation.
  
  
• The only ‘thing’ you can ever change in this life is yourself. This is where your true power lies.
  
  
• If you try to ‘fix’ situations outside of yourself they can hurt you. Staying means they will continue to hurt you.
  
  
• If you rely on circumstances and people outside of yourself for love, safety and faith in life, you are always at risk of being damaged.
  
  
• True love, safety and faith in life are commodities that no-one else can supply. You need to establish these within yourself.

Please also see article Journey of Co-dependency to Interdependency.

Copyright © 2007 Melanie Tonia Evans. All Rights Reserved.

This article is an excerpt from the book,
"Breaking The Chains of Painful Love".