This book is a follow on to my first book 'Breaking the
Chains of Painful Love' – and explains how to apply
the processes to reclaim personal power, create a
loving relationship within oneself and life, and how to
attract and maintain a functional, loving and truly intimate
(emotionally safe and connected) relationship with another.
My experience of living within a significantly abusive
relationship is the most magically transformational event
of my life. I've finally understood the truth of myself,
the reasons why I wasn't getting love right, and the journey
I needed to undergo in order to heal, love myself and
connect to my authentic soul's purpose.
I was like everyone else. There were certain aspects
of me that I didn't think were wrong, or simply didn't
want to acknowledge. None of us feel comfortable (until
we learn the powerful lessons of humility and self-reflection)
about looking at our 'less than bits' or exposing them
to ourselves, let alone other people. I was walking through
life not fully recognising the reasons why my life had
gone the way it was, or how to change myself in order
to live a different reality.
This was pretty astounding! After all I'd been engaged
in personal development and metaphysics for over two decades.
More that this, I'd also been a metaphysical teacher and
healer for many years. I knew I'd provided personal growth,
healing and liberation to other people, yet I'd struggling
to do this for myself. I thought I was 'walking the talk'
but I wasn't.
Like many women I was outer focused. I was so
busy giving of myself I'd never learnt to give to me.
I thought I had it sorted. I knew about self-respect and
self-love in theory yet I was hiding behind my work to
cater for other people's deservedness without acknowledging
my own.
It wasn't until I was confronted with the broken pieces
of myself that were so extreme I was forced to my knees
to confront the truth. From this place of rock bottom,
I received information and knowingness whilst writing
in my journal and confronting my deepest darkest places.
I received 'coincidental' messages from other people,
particular books and profound downloads of information
that was inspired from a source much greater than myself.
These 'coincidences' were essential because they kept
me alive. I was walking a razors edge of suicidal depression,
crippling panic attacks and agoraphobia, and a total psychotic
breakdown.
I truly know why I received the assistance I did. I was
smashed down to a place where there was no-where to go.
I was check-mate. I surrendered. I finally admitted to
God there was something seriously wrong with me and pleaded
for his help. I fully embraced I was dysfunctional and
I needed to heal. There was no-where to run, and there
was no-where to hide. I didn't even have the energy to
wear a 'mask' any more. I was face-to-face with my tortured
soul. The only way out was through, and I faced up
to this truth. I decided I deserved to live
and deserved to heal.
Please understand that my plea to God was not because
I am religious. I have spiritual beliefs that are in contrary
to many structured religious teachings. In this book you
will find references to God. If you find this uncomfortable
please substitute this word 'God' with 'Life' or 'Love'
because I truly believe they are all one and the same
thing.
There's not a day that I'm not eternally thankful for
this experience. There's not a day that I'm not grateful
to my ex-partner for the abuse I received. I needed
it. I've never felt so clear, empowered and in love
with my life as a result of what I went through. Because
of the incredible knowledge and processes I discovered
to heal, I'm now extremely privileged in helping women
(and men) regain their power, establish healthy self-love,
purpose and self-worth. Because of my experience other
people now have the knowledge to stop their ongoing cycles
of painful love.
This isn't just about saying 'pain makes us stronger
and better people'. It's so much more than that.
The negative and painful situations in our life powerfully
reflect to us our unhealed parts that have always held
us back from experiencing perfect love, success and happiness.
Without the painful messages, there's little opportunity
to make the liberating changes.
Some of us take time to get it. Certainly our conditioning
hasn't encouraged the understanding of vital truths. And
these truths are: we've always been creating our own reality.
The painful people and situations in our life are catalysts
to show us the 'less than' realities we've manufactured.
Our lives are orchestrated from our conscious and subconscious
belief systems. Here's the tricky part. Ninety percent
of our belief systems are deeply unconscious. Ninety
percent of our life is happening as a result of the
fears and doubts we don't want to acknowledge.
Like many people, I was so engaged in events outside
of myself I had no idea my tormented feelings were screaming,
'You're way off track. This isn't the experience your
soul seeks.' I was trapped in a situation that was playing
out and cementing my negative belief system, 'I'm unlovable
and unworthy' and trying desperately to change it and
fix it into something that would provide me with safe
love. The truth of the matter was - I'd been playing this
game for a long time (unconsciously) and didn't understand
the rules. Inevitably the game blew up in my face. Thank
goodness it did.
Since undergoing my journey and living the pain of dysfunctional
love as a total participant, my eyes have been opened
to the enormous society problem of women who are significantly
damaged in love relationships. Try this theory out for
yourself. Every woman has either been in an abusive /
painful relationship or knows one who has. Statistically
one out of three women are sexually abused. Imagine the
statistics for women who've been severely emotionally,
mentally or physically abused.
Please don't for one moment mistake me as a feminist.
I believe there are many wonderful men in the world! I
know quite a few personally - and I certainly acknowledge
men also get trapped in abusive relationships.
However, it is an absolute truth that women, who are
biological nurturers, tend to stay on much longer than
males in destructive relationships, and obviously are
more prone to experience sexual and physical violence
then men. Women, due to their emotional conditioning,
can have greater security sensitivities than men, and
can be extremely fearful of surviving without a man in
their life. Although women have government support, and
much greater career and financial freedom capabilities
and options - they still carry the emotional conditioning
of their female forbearers, who were reliant on men for
survival.
Many women believe (subconsciously at least) 'I'm nothing
without a man.' This dangerous belief system leads many
women into the pattern of attracting a male to supply
her with her 'missing pieces.' Due to the undeniable Universal
Law of Attraction any man who shows up under this 'energetic
call' is going to maximise these missing pieces by supplying
the pain to show her what she needs to learn to establish
her own completeness. Sooner or later this woman
puts up with a severely 'less than' relationship, and
subsequent damage, whilst trying to change it into something
much more applicable.
The separatism between men and women is a global issue.
It often becomes an almightily power struggle of how
to feel safe. Men feel insecure with this new brand
of woman who is seeking closeness, greater equality and
to be respected and revered in her own right. Women are
frustrated by not having their emotional needs met in
healthy ways, and are reacting emotionally and unhealthily
to these issues.
They conceptually know they deserve better yet have no
idea how to receive the connection they're seeking. And
of course - she thinks it's up to him to get his act together
to make her happy. Many women have never discovered the
truth: establishing and creating your own happiness is
no-one else's job other than your own. Then the rest of
the world and a man will follow.
It's impossible for any woman to be truly intimate with
a partner unless she feels safe. Many women exist
in relationships with defense mechanisms and huge expectations
that if they get close, their partner will automatically
reciprocate, or sometimes they go in really hard trying
to force him to reciprocate. Men are conditioned to hold
back on intimacy because they don't feel safe either.
Generally this emanates from the relationship with his
mother, who may not have received healthy intimacy needs
– and therefore has little capacity to provide intimate
and unconditional love to him as a child.
All children are pure little sponges that naturally seek
and allow close emotional connection. This is the
pure language of their soul before they establish defense
mechanisms. This connection is essential to develop healthy
Emotional Intelligence.
Children who don't receive emotional closeness and safety
(consistent emotional responses) automatically develop
the internal program, 'I must be unlovable. It has to
be my fault' and adopt defense mechanisms to guard against
the powerful subconscious belief system, 'I'm unlovable
and will be emotionally abandoned.' Nearly every individual,
male and female, carries this love wound forward into
their adult relationships. Many females attach to this
belief, as a result of emotionally absent or dysfunctional
fathers.
Women, as the emotionally demanding gender, tend to seek
intimate love more pro-actively then men, who have a greater
conditioned capability to go into their heads and disconnect
emotionally. Men when confronted by a woman desperately
seeking intimacy needs (usually through a belief 'I need
this to fill my emptiness,') pull away, or in severe cases
(if he has received substantial damage in childhood) react
aggressively and possessively.
He may feel 'I want you, but I need to control you otherwise
you could hurt me.' In severe cases he may be running
a dangerous subconscious undercurrent of acting out revenge
towards his mother. Misogyny is frighteningly common.
Narcissistic males will constantly seek a woman (trying
desperately to gain what they didn't get from their mothers)
- be threatened by her capacity to 'emotionally harm him'
- then tear her apart piece by piece.
Structured religion has created huge DNA (genetic memory)
wounds to the female gender. These establishments have
defiled women's sexuality and femininity. Women have been
portrayed by religions as sinful and temptresses. Religion
taught men to distrust females and keep them controlled
and subservient. Over the ages women have had moral and
civil rights stripped from them, been persecuted, maimed
and severely sexually abused. The violation to women through
the cultures and over the course of time has been horrific.
There are cultures where these atrocities still take place.
Through this conditioning, men have traditionally lost
a great deal of respect for females, learnt to disconnect
from them, mentally alienated them as a result of being
'over-emotional', and objectified them sexually, rather
than connect to the intimate warmth and love of their
souls - which is what men, (right from the time they are
little boys) have always sought. Men want love just as
much as women do.
To get a relationship right with anyone else, first of
all, requires getting it right with yourself. To do this
- you have to completely change the way you previously
thought about life.
We've all been the product of generations of emotional
disconnection. Our outer based religions taught us the
answers to life lie outside of ourselves. We experienced
a great deal of shame and guilt by absorbing belief systems
such as 'we're unworthy sinners' and have to act and be
a certain thing to receive 'God's approval' (man made
versions of conditional love). We were taught we probably
didn't deserve the things we wanted and weren't good enough
in God's eyes to receive them. We were told, we had no
right to know or believe our wisdom within. We were robbed
of worthiness and deservedness.
These outer based religions created entire societies
and generations of co-dependents - losing all faith in
ourselves, therefore seeking answers from the outside.
Why on earth would we go to ourselves for happiness? After
all weren't we no-good sinners? Who'd want to retreat
to an inner place of guilt and shame? Obviously these
systems taught us – it's up to conditions outside
of us to provide solutions, directions and happiness –
because what was on the inside was pathetically useless.
This myth is logically ineffective and totally ridiculous.
We have no control over situations outside of ourselves.
We can't think for another person and have no ability
or right to control their decisions or behaviour. Inevitably,
basing our happiness on another person to provide it for
us is self-defeating. Life and other people can't live
up to what we want them to be or do to keep us safe, secure
and happy. This convoluted system of external based expectations
was always going to leave us angry, empty, grief stricken
and damaged.
The most damaged, fearful and destructive people are
the ones that are the most disconnected from themselves.
These people are lost, anxious, fearful and angry. They
are constantly trying to grab things outside of themselves
to stop the inner pain and survive. They feel empty and
are tortured with shame, pain and guilt. Why? Because
they've lost themselves and have no idea that their
true self is a glorious complete being whose natural state
feels and knows peace, love and contentment.
Centuries of separatism DNA running through our systems,
dictates making conditions of life and other people's
behaviour about us. We've taken on beliefs and pain from
external sources which have absolutely nothing to do with
our true selves. We hand our power over to these external
sources and become victims.
We forget how to understand our emotions - which always
let us know whether or not we're living our soul truth
- and focus on trying to change and fix situations and
people to make us happy and safe. We keep ourselves attached
to and enmeshed in pain.
Understandably we've struggled greatly to maintain a
healthy relationship with ourselves, let alone with another.
We've all suffered grave fears of intimacy and pain. How
many of us think - 'love equals pain?' Our intimacy problems
have come from not knowing how to be intimate with ourselves.
Have we ever learnt how to truly love, accept and honour
ourselves? Do we have belief systems and the knowledge
to understand why this is so necessary?
Our religious systems for centuries have brain washed
us into thinking - our true self is tainted and sinful,
and if left to its own devices without being controlled
by external sources will automatically 'do the wrong
thing'.
The truth of the matter is: any individual, who works
on self-development, takes responsibility for their life
and gets in touch with the language of their soul automatically
becomes a loving, expansive, healthy, happy and inspirational
being who serves others in loving and inspiring ways.
If we're 'at one' with ourselves, we are complete and
'at one' with the world. There's no need to take, harm,
pillage or rob. It's the separatism - the fear, shame
and inner emptiness that's been responsible for the destruction
within individuals and relationships, and between races
and opposing religions.
To change the planet into wholeness, individuals
need to reclaim wholeness. This is where it begins and
ends. This is the only way to create and sustain healthy
and loving relationships.
The only person we have the right or the ability
to control is ourselves. Boy does life become a powerful
and amazing journey when we start doing this! All of a
sudden we realise by changing and managing ourselves everything
around us changes and becomes manageable effortlessly.
All of a sudden life begins to deliver the truth of our
soul - love, success and happiness. Finally we are in
control of our life, and finally we are safe. We become
Divine Creators mastering our life.
When we learn about the 'God within' we know ourselves
as gorgeous, all-loving and divine beings. We acknowledge
ourselves as a miracle and shamelessly love and
embrace ourselves. We lose the guilt, fear and lack of
deservedness. Then and only then, can we learn how to
provide our own happiness. Then, and only then can we
honour ourselves and make decisions and choices based
on the truth of our soul which has always been
love, success, happiness, glorious relationships and pure
abundance.
The new world that's emerging in the Aquarian Age is
screaming out for internal acknowledgement and
self-empowerment. Finally mainstream is exposed to the
truth of life, and there are many messengers on
the planet who are powerfully getting this message across.
We now have the ability to end the disconnection
from ourselves and end the pain.
This workbook is a step-by-step process to truly understand
your true self, get empowered with belief systems that
can change your disconnected DNA into one of wholeness,
love and expansion, and give you the daily tools and processes
to take back your power, and create the loving realities
and relationships you truly deserve.
In order to work through these processes you need to
make a decision - and you need to make this decision now.
Do you want a better life? Do you deserve to experience
love, success and happiness? While you do these processes
you need to totally hold this belief. Are you ready
to take the journey to turn it all around? Is this
your truth?
Only you can make this decision. This journey is not
going to be effective unless you have absolutely made
this decision. It's perfectly normal to have doubts such
as: 'I have no idea how to get there', 'I don't know how
I'm going to feel,' or, 'Is this going to work?'
Don't worry about the details of how it's going to work.
It's a process and if you've decided to deserve
the unfolding of your healing - the entire Universe will
rearrange itself to provide that opportunity. You biggest
and most powerful decision is to decide and never
let go of that decision. Once you truly intend where you
want to go - all of life will support you and take you
there.
A profound truth of life is: you're going to be thinking
anyway – so why not learn how to think in ways that
ARE going to serve you!
You will note that every chapter in this book has a declaration
at the end of it. These are powerful. Every time we make
a decision with all our heart everything starts
opening up around us to heal, expand and liberate. Approach
these declarations with a true feeling of deservedness,
and know that by making these declarations to yourself,
you are creating the map of your new life.
Please write the following declaration:
'I (my name) choose to deserve and experience a profound
love of myself and a loving, successful and happy life
from this day forward (today's date.)'
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OK- Now that you've set your intention, welcome to your
glorious future.
This
book provides step-by-step processes to
